Yesterday was a hard day.
I don't talk about my dad on Twitter very often and I don't have a reason for that but I just don't. In all honesty I don't talk about my dad with anyone but my husband, mom, and two brothers.
For those of you who may not know my dad had a stroke about two and a half years ago. After that he has been diagnosed with having ALS (some of his doctors disagree with this), having mini strokes, and some sort of neurological issue.
He refuses to go back to the doctor to have further treatments or test to see what is going on. I think this is because he is scared which I can understand because we all are scared. But at the same time I can not and will not force him to go. As much as I want him to go back to the doctors at the end of the day it is his own choice. (This doesn't mean that I will stop trying though).
But seeing him now just breaks my heart.
My dad was in the Army for 21 years and was literally the strongest man I knew. He was confident, out spoken, and fun to be around (most of the time). He was the one I would go to for advice or if I needed someone just to have my back. This list could just go on and on...
But now things are so different.
He can't talk anymore. He writes what he wants to say in a book and most of the time it doesn't make sense. Like he will want to write "taking the truck in the morning" but instead he writes "waiting the trucj" (and the misspell is on purpose).
He drools. And it's almost a constant. Sometimes he doesn't even know that it is happening and it just drips down his shirt.
One day he came over to my house just to visit and help get Ryan off the bus. I told him that his bus would be here in about ten minutes. About a minute later he got up and just left. He gave me a thumbs up and shook his head when I asked him if he was leaving. It was like he forgot about getting Ryan off the bus even though we had just discussed it.
He has a hard time buttoning his clothes, cutting his food, putting on his belt, turning the keys for the truck (driving is a whole different issue that I will not get into here), and so on.
When sitting with him he will just point to random things. I am not usually sure why he is pointing but I shake my head and smile like I know exactly what he is talking about.
He and my mom went grocery shopping the other day and she said he had a hard time picking up a 24 pack of water. He struggled picking it up and couldn't get it in the cart without her help.
This made her cry when she called me the next morning and told me. She cries so much when we talk and I wish I could just say something that would take all of this away for both of them.
There are more things that I see but these to me are the most important or stand out the most...
So yesterday after we ate lunch I dropped him off at his house and his neighbor was outside.
I have known the neighbor for about twenty years. She came to my wedding, the hospital after I had Ryan, and has just always been someone in my life.
And while I consider myself close to her it's not like I have ever gone shopping or out to lunch with her. Usually the only time I see her is when I am going in and out of my parents house and we stop to talk.
After my dad went inside she walked up to my truck and said she wanted to talk to me about my dad.
At first I didn't mind because she is their neighbor and has seen some (but only SOME) of what has gone on.
She starts to tell me that we need to get together as a family and MAKE my dad go to the doctor. She said that he doesn't have the mental awareness to make that decision on his own. That she has gone through this so many times and knows that the person who won't go to the doctor has to be forced to go no matter what they say.
And then she added "you guys are just letting him get away with it and just sitting back doing nothing about it and letting him get sick".
I swear I saw red.
I told her that she needs to remember that he is my dad and that I would never just sit back and let him get sick and do nothing about it. That she has no idea what conversations go on behind closed doors and that we constantly talk about him going back to the doctor but that we can't make him. That I can't tie him up, throw him in my truck, and force him to go talk to the doctor.
And when we do talk to him about going back (which is often) he just shuts us down. Refuses to even talk to us about it.
I don't know how much of my response she actually listened to but she continues to go on and on and on.
Out of respect for my parents I kept my cool and didn't tell her she was out of line and where I thought she could go with her opinion.
But I did tell her that I was done talking to her about it.
She says okay and then continues with the conversation anyways.
Then she tells me that if we don't do something about my dad he is just going to wither away and die.
Why the hell would she think it is okay to say that to me??
I told her that if she doesn't think I worry about that she is delusional. That I worry about him all the time and that the thought of him dying breaks my heart.
And that just last month both my brothers and I were talking about this in the driveway and I broke down.
I mean he' s my dad. Why why why do you think it's okay to say this to me???
So again I tell her I don't want to talk about it with her anymore. And yet she continues on and on...
Then she says that she thinks my mom is in denial and thinks there is nothing wrong with my dad.
And I told her that is so untrue and that I was done talking to her.
She somehow finally got a light bulb off in her head and asked if I was mad.
Ummmm, yes, actually I am pissed.
I told her that she doesnt hear the weekly conversations I have with my mom where she is crying because she is so worried about my dad.
About how my mom worries about what my dad will be like just a month from now because he seems to be going downhill so fast.
About how she worries about being a good caretaker and how she can't believe she is already a caretaker when they are still so young.
I finally told her that I was done speaking to her and drove off.
There are so many things wrong with what she did and when I pulled away I was shaking I was so mad.
Oh, and just to add my nine year old was in the backseat listening to this the whole time.
Yep, even the part where she said my dad was just going to wither up and die.
Thanks for that.
Now I have to explain to my son that grandpa is getting sicker and that we are just all worried about him.
Why do people think they can just say anything they want to someone? And why didn't she stop after I told her SEVERAL times that I was done talking to her about it?
I am so unbelievably worried about my dad but I don't think I should have to say that to anyone. If you know what he is going through I would think that would just be common sense.
And why the hell would you say that we are just sitting there letting it happen. Yes, you're right. I wanted my dad (and my sons ONLY GRANDPA) to have a stroke and be this sick.
I want to stay up endless nights worrying about if he is depressed, scared, or even knows what is going on. I want to stay up at night worried if my mom is crying herself to sleep or sleeping at all that night.
I am just so full of every feeling right now. I am mad, worried, hurt, pissed, and just want people to think before they speak.
If it's not helpful and you don't know the whole story stay out of it. Or just give some nice words of concern and be done with it.
