But blogging has a way of being a cheap version of therapy. At least when I am able to find the words to say how I am feeling.
Back in November 2014 my dad started slurring. It just seem to happen one day and we told him that he needed to go to the doctor and have it checked out. He thought (and I agreed) that it had to do with him just having a tooth pulled. But as the days strolled by the slurring became worse.
He did go to the doctor. And the doctor sent him to the ER because he was worried that he had had a stroke. Strokes run in both sides of my family (his mom has had four) so this was really scary.
While at the hospital the doctors ran just about every test that they could. My dad joked that during the CAT scan they found an extra brain if I needed one.
The doctors concluded that he had some sort of muscle disease because nothing showed on up on the MRI, CAT scan, or other test. He would just need to take some medicine and do some speech therapy and he would be fine.
We were all relieved.
Then he started having a hard time swallowing. And then a couple of weeks ago the twitches in his arm began.
What the heck?? This was just suppose to be a muscle disease.
So back to the neurologist he went.
And the neurologist said that he suspected ALS.
My parents came over the next afternoon to tell us. As soon as they walked through the door I knew something was wrong.
ALS. No, that isn't what it is. Because ALS comes with a death sentence.
And my dad still have to see Ryan grow up. (That is where I always break down)
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,no......
No. It's not ALS. My dad can't have that.
He went to have another MRI and CAT scan done yesterday.
His family doctor said that it could be ALS but it also could be many other things.
And he said it was irresponsible of the neuro doctor to mention ALS before all the test were done.
We are hoping the MRI/CAT scan will show something. ANYTHING. That doesn't come with a death sentence.
A pinched nerve.
A herniated disk.
Something wrong with the spine...
Shoot .... I'd even be happy with a stroke at this point.
Isn't that weird.
To be happy that someone had a stroke.
A stroke would be better than ALS though.
Anything seems like it would be better than that.
But through all this I am okay.
Scared to death for my dad but okay.
I have to be okay.
I still have an eight year old boy who needs to see his mom happy and dealing with it. Of course he will see me have my moments but not on a daily basis.
If this is ALS we might be fighting this for years.
And my boy deserves a great childhood. And that includes a mom who isn't depressed, walking around like a zombie, or and crying everyday.
I need and have bucked up.
And to be honest I really am okay. I feel calm.
My parents needs me to be okay. My dad needs to see us still smiling, happy, and just being there for him whatever that might mean in the future.
This weekend the whole family got together for a movie and pizza night. It was one of the best things that we could have done. We laughed really hard and watched Family Feud. Then we made fun of my sister in law who kept answering underwear to every single question.
I am able to still laugh at the crazy things my husband says.
I feel like through all this chaos and whatever you want to call it I am still able to live.
So tonight when my hubby comes home we will talk about his work.
And this weekend I will take Ryan to go see that movie with the purple alien (I forget the name) and maybe go eat lunch at Red Robin.
Life moves forward even if sometimes it feels like your heart might stop beating.
One day at a time.
One doctors call at a time.
And one prayer at a time.
